A veteran creator said two things this morning in a tiktok I caught that hit harder than they had any right to coming from a stranger on the internet.

One: he hates when people thank him for his service because he never knows how to respond. I felt that in my bones. 12 years active duty, 2 as an active guardsman, 2 more hanging around as an Army contractor and I still freeze up every time. “You’re welcome” feels wrong. I was just doing my job. And after 20 years watching my wife navigate the foreign service world, doing more with less than we ever did in uniform, I’m not even sure my service is the most impressive thing in my own household. It’s definitely not.

Two: he doesn’t accept praise unless it comes from someone who’s already been through the praiseworthy thing. I didn’t know that was true about me until I heard it out loud, which is a mildly embarrassing way to learn something about yourself. Compliments from people who haven’t been in the arena just don’t land. Not because they’re lying. But how would they know?

Both of those are about the same general failure but they’re not quite the same thing. The first is about gratitude, someone thanking you for what you did. The second is about praise, someone telling you that you’re good at the thing. Different flavors, same freeze response. Apparently I have a type.

And I don’t think that’s unusual. There are two kinds of people who don’t struggle with this: the genuinely well adjusted and the self centered. Most of us are neither. Most of us are somewhere in the middle, deflecting and minimizing and quietly redirecting to everyone else who deserves it more, like some kind of humility pinball machine.

I’m not talking about participation trophy stuff. But I’m also not setting the bar at heroic. Holding the door, covering a shift, remembering someone’s bad week and asking about it later. Those are efforts worth thanking. And if someone tells you that you’re genuinely good at something, that counts too. The measure isn’t the size of the thing. It’s whether the person giving it actually means it and whether you actually earned it. If both of those are true, let it land.

Here’s the thing that really gets me though. Most of us will genuinely thank others and praise others for the exact same things we refuse to accept for ourselves. We mean it when we give it. So why is it so hard to believe they mean it when they give it to us? The universe apparently handed out a very specific blind spot and we all got one.

What I keep forgetting is that the person giving it meant it. Whether they’re saying thank you or telling me I’m good at something, they took a moment to tell me something true about the effect I had on them. When I deflect that I’m not being humble. I’m rejecting their experience. I’m going to try to stop doing that.

If that resonates, maybe try receiving both like data instead of a verdict. Someone saying “that mattered” or “you’re really good at this” isn’t asking you to agree you’re exceptional. They’re just reporting what they felt. You’re allowed to say thank you and let it sit there without immediately explaining it away.

You earned some things. Let people say so.

P.S. Writing this also made me realize I might be equally terrible at giving thanks proportional to how something actually affected me. Apparently I have a whole suite of gratitude problems. Stay tuned.